Belle Burden has something to say. Her bestselling memoir, Strangers: A Memoir of Marriage, has become the kind of book people don't just read — they highlight and annotate it, and immediately need to discuss it in the group chat. But as much as the internet has debated Burden's marriage, divorce, finances, and that one now-viral sandwich scene, there are still a few things the author wants to clear up.
For the uninitiated, Strangers grew out of Burden's 2023 Modern Love essay and recounts how her husband of 20 years abruptly walked out on her and their kids in the early days of the COVID-19 pandemic. And how the woman once nicknamed "Belle the Good" found her voice in the wreckage. It debuted at number one on The New York Times bestseller list, and Netflix already has plans to adapt it, with Gwyneth Paltrow attached. It's that kind of book.
Below, Burden shares what everyone gets wrong about the sandwich, why so many women see themselves in her story, and how she's learned to move forward without having all the answers.
Everyone who reads Strangers seems to have a strong opinion about it. What do you think women are debating?
I was trying to write my own story. It's so interesting to me that people are seeing themselves [in it]. It's not limited to my age group. I thought it was going to be a middle-aged type of book. But younger women are reading it and having these conversations, middle-aged, older. I think there are a number of things they're debating, but the core of it is about relationships, trust, and identity around home, motherhood, career, and money. I think all those things are at the heart of it.
Whenever I’m in an argument, I usually think of the thing I should have said or done long after the fact. I know you’ve gotten so many questions about the sandwich. If you got a redo, what would you say?
The sandwich is misunderstood. I think people see it as binary: If you're a doormat, you make the sandwich. If you're a feminist, you don't. But in that moment, I was not thinking about my husband at all.
I was thinking about my two daughters. One fled downstairs, crying. One [was] sitting there, looking at us. Kids remember when they're told about a divorce, and I didn't want to make that moment worse for her. Also, I wanted him to spend time with his child. And if I made the sandwich, he could go do that, right? I think those things were all at play.
I wanted to put that in the book because it showed the total difference between our emotional states. If I was faced with that moment again, I might look for a way to say no that is gentle and not confrontational, so it wouldn't make that moment worse for my daughter.
The last thing I'll say about the sandwich is I didn't want him in my kitchen making his own. That had become a very protective space for us.
With The New Yorker article, your finances are out there in the open. The media has heavily scrutinized the numbers. What advice would you give other women about how to handle their money?
The main thing is to be transparent and open with your partner, from the beginning, before you get married. Have regular conversations about your finances to see where everything sits, to see whose name is on what.
[It’s] not just about accounts. Talk about whose career is being prioritized, and how do you switch that back? How do you fit in childcare? Really have those open conversations and do them at a regular point in time… It's not fun to talk about all this stuff, but if you get in the habit of it, it makes a difference.
I'm not a financial advisor. I'm not a trust and estates lawyer, but this is what I would tell my children to do.
Gwyneth Paltrow is set to star in the movie adaptation of Strangers. Who else is part of your dream cast?
I've been so self-focused… on who was playing me. I haven't thought about who would play my ex. My daughter — I won't say which one — said that she would like Sydney Sweeney to play her. I had to remind her that she was 12 at the time.
Stories about the messiness of being human resonate with women. What other books fall into that category that you’d recommend?
Fame Sick is a masterclass in writing with such depth, truth, and openness, but in a skilled way. [Lena Dunham’s] sentences are beautiful. That’s where you should start.
At the end of your Modern Love essay, you said, “I have no secret to share about how to move on without answers.” After writing Strangers and processing what happened, has that changed?
It has. I do have some advice about how to move on without answers. Friendships are hugely important. [Having] autonomy around your financial life is important, but [also] see it as an opportunity. When things fall apart, when you're in this incredibly emotionally raw place — which is so painful — it actually is when you grow.
That sounds a bit trite, but it is true. Sometimes when you're in a very comfortable, secure, predictable place, you don't grow as much. Now, I feel lucky that this happened to me because I wouldn't have had this growth otherwise. So my advice would be: Do the small things and feel optimistic that you will get to a better place.
Some headlines claim "women will hate their husbands after reading” your book. What's the takeaway you actually want?
I thought that was an interesting article... I do not want people to hate their husbands. I believe in marriage, and I know so many great men, so I don't believe in that… The main thing for me is, of course, the reader who went through something similar, who has felt very alone and alienated. I want them to feel seen and understood.
I also want people to have some understanding of what divorce is like, what [it] feels like, and that it's survivable.
Alia M. in our Skimm+ community wants to know: How is your life different post-publication, and what has the response been from readers?
The response has been overwhelming, which I did not expect. We had a small first printing. I had a small book tour. So it's been this overwhelming feeling of people from around the world reaching out to me in this incredibly positive, wonderful way, and seeing themselves in the book.
My life otherwise has not changed that much. I still have three kids. I still have my law practice. Occasionally, I'll [be] recognized, which is so funny to me. But otherwise, no big change.
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This interview has been edited and condensed for clarity.